My book about growing has been released!! It's a tough thing to pour yourself out to others, be completely vulnerable and raw and share the innermost details of the darkest corners, but I’m doing it. If it helps one person to heal it will be worth it. All stories are unique and wonderful and I’m giving this one a voice. I can’t wait until it’s published as it’s sat dormant in my head for years, waiting until I was strong enough to give it wings.
Here’s an excerpt:
“I don't face my past in a straightforward way. I skim, I use it as a peripheral example, I don't really want people to know. A large part of my past is about roots and connections. We moved a lot as a kid and I never really felt like I put roots anywhere. I am extremely dispassionate about places I've lived growing up. I am ambivalent about people - I have tremendous conflict about really letting people in. I want to, but I'm afraid to. I was taught growing up that people have an outstanding propensity to cause an inordinate amount of pain - physically and emotionally. What got me through growing up and probably saved me - my innate ability to disconnect from everything - is also what I struggle with.
Social services came to our house once and while she was driving away, I wondered why we weren't going with her. I wasn't in foster care, but I should have been. I wanted to become a social worker when I went to college because I was one of "those kids" and I didn't perpetuate the cycle of abuse. I wanted to help kids the way I felt I had been helped by someone in passing – someone who made me feel worth it. Whatever you think foster kids go through, I went through. Emotional abuse, neglect, fear, physical abuse, molestation, lack of food, losing my virginity to rape, fending off men that came through our home, being surrounded by addiction and depression. All of it. It was our life. From feeling unwanted and unimportant to being abused. And I knew it could be different.”